things they weren't supposed to say around us

when i was a patient in a mental hospital,
i heard one orderly saying to another orderly (about
yet another orderly):
"no, he's not coming in tonight, he called in
and said there's gonna be thunderstorms all night tonight,
and he said he loves to fuck during thunderstorms,
so he's just gonna stay home tonight and fuck his
wife all night long."

i later heard somebody in authority at the hospital
say (was it my psychologist? my psychiatrist? this
was a long time ago, and i'm fuzzy on certain
details): "orderlies are not supposed to use
certain kinds of language in front of the patients,
language that could upset them or stir them up,
especially sexual kinds of language when so
many patients have sexual kinds of hang-ups."

several of us patients heard the orderly talking
to the other orderly about the orderly who wasn't
gonna come in that night 'cause he wanted to
stay home and fuck his wife during the thunderstorms.
we chuckled, grinned knowingly, just grinned.

there were lots of thunderstorms that night, as i recall,
"some guy is fucking his wife all night long, tonight,"
i thought.  i myself had never fucked.  and thought
i never would.  again, this was a long time
ago (over 20 years) but as i recall
i went to my bed near a huge wire-covered window
sad, confused, perplexed,
totally out of it, depressed and suicidal as usual --
the thunderstorms that night were loud
and, as i recall, fraught with shades
of sex made real.

--Carl Miller Daniels (This poem appeared in First Class, Issue Seven, 1998.)